Holding Onto Something

I don't know about you, but do you ever need something to hold onto or look forward to so you can make it one more day? I know I like to have something to look forward to so that each day does not seem like the day I just had yesterday. Some days just go on and on. You wonder when something will change. Something all of a sudden changes, and it is like dang, I was not ready for that. I like to look forward to a trip or a event. It helps me get thru my days that just run together. Lately when the late afternoon hits, I sit there and think, oh my gosh, I have to do all of this tomorrow. Get up, shower, do make up and hair and do the same thing again. I know sounds, crazy, but believe me. Day after day it gets old. I want to look forward to a trip, or a really neat event or ANYTHING that is not my normal day. I just want a trip. I think a trip might change my day or weeks up a little. I know I am not looking forward to Winter. That sounds awful. I like sunshine and warm days to sit outside and enjoy the kids. I don't like to be stuck inside where no one sees each other for 5 months. You forget you even have neighbors. To funny.

So here is to looking forward to something. I hope everyone has something to look forward too. I hope I can find something.

Rainbows

As we drove through the mountains the other night, there were 2 beautiful rainbows. One was right above the other one. As we got closer to them the colors were so bright. I thought of a rainbow compared to life. Sometimes things in our lives are so bright that you do not want them to ever end. Other times when they start to fade away you are ok with that, or maybe not. A rainbow always has such perfect color formation, perfect color, perfect alignment. You can look at a rainbow and just stare at it and be amazed how it never ends, it just keeps going and following you as you are driving. If life could only be like a rainbow. What would the world be like. Would every thing be just so perfect that we would get bored, or would things be less complicated because things would be so simple and defined. Just interesting when you think about it.

My Stomach

My stomach will not stop hurting. It does not hurt like I have anxiety. It hurts like something is not sitting right. I know why I have it, I just can't seem to get it to go away. I will be so ready for this to be over with already. Everyday something new is discovered and it always seems to pin point it back to we were right. I am sure as heck not saying we are perfect, but we really keep figuring things out. It is so interesting to me that as you start talking thru things with people, that your memory is jogged and you think of different things that will help you solve the issue at hand. I want to lay it all out on a table for everyone to see it, have every person involved at the table, and then let's see who starts talking. It goes back to, can everyone look each other in the eyes as they are talking. That will be the true test. I know this can not happen because people want to make a few bucks. That bites because I think that could solve it all fast.

So we will sit and wait it out again to see where the next ball is thrown. I hope I can keep hanging in there to see this thing thru. I am not sure how many more I can take. On the other hand, I better just suck it up because as long I am doing this, this kind of crap will keep getting thrown at me.

Welcome

Wow, isn't it interesting where life can take us. We may cross paths with people and wonder why, we met at that time. When you you start talking or reading about that person, something will usually jump out and touch your heart. We often are to fast to push it aside and not reflect on why. Thanks for crossing my path today. I hope that if anything else, I will make you laugh, or cry, or even wonder why, we were led down this path today.

I met a lady today that has touched my life. She has done the most unselfish thing any mother could ever do. What a lot of people do not see is what she has done is given a little girl the life that she has always dreamed of her to have. Sometimes that choice does not allow you to be the one that gets to snuggle her in at night, or wash the dirty face just right. You may not even get to hear her cry. What is does let you do, is remember the time you had one on one, and remember the smell on her checks when you held her so tight. People can tell you how they feel, people can tell you how you will fail. What they can not tell you is how you will sail.

You will hold your head high even when they tear you down. You will hold your head high when a tear gets in your eye. Tears will come and tears will go, you will never be able to control the flow. Don't let anyone get you down, because until they take that one small stroll, they will never know.

Adoption is such a bitter sweet experience that everyone can cast their vote on. Some will agree and others will fight it in all degrees. It is the ones that do not have the knowledge that seem to find the defeat. It does not take long to ask a few questions. It does not take long to get you in the right direction. It does take long for you to battle, when you are swimming uphill with no paddle. You can never ask to many questions. You can never feel ashamed, or pass any judgement. So I will tell you again, and don't ask why. Hold your head high, even when you laugh or cry.

Do You Listen?

Have you ever had a time when you are talking to someone and you just need to talk? As you are talking and needing to get somethings off your chest, or just need to vent, or even just have an ear to listen to you and as you are talking the person you are talking to says, "Oh my gosh I know, I had the same thing happen to me", and then they start to tell you their story. I mean, come on, are you kidding me. It amazes me how many people do that, including myself. There are times though, when I just need to talk and get things off my chest. I could care less if you have had the same experience and feel like you need to share it. Just listen to me is all I am asking for.

I am sure all of us feel the same way about this. How do we fix it? How do we become a better listener for people so people will be better listeners for us? If you know how, please fill me in.

There are just days out there that maybe the person we are suppose to be listening to, is really crying out for help and we are so caught up in our self that we miss the sign to help someone in need. Take a step back next time you are talking to someone and see if you are suppose to be listening instead of carrying on about what you are doing or have done. You just never know who you might be helping.

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days that I woke up with the biggest lump in my throat and my heart was so heavy. Something was not right and I could not pin point what it was. I hate days like that. They just suck. There are no other words out there to describe it. As I had to get ready to go to work, I was not doing to well by getting my stuff together and even holding it together. I kept dragging and dragging and I hate when that happens. I had a lot to accomplish and the rate I was going, I was headed for disaster. I finally got out the door and as I was driving to work a few thoughts hit my mind. I tried to figure things out and wanted a solution very fast on how I was going to fix this day that I was now an hour late to where I needed to be. My solution was, "whatever is going to happen will happen, so just suck it up". That was not what I wanted at all. I don't just suck things up. I go and fix it and then take down everyone that gets in my way. I sent a few texts off to some people and made a phone call to someone that was weighing heavy on my mind. I went to voicemail and left a message. I knew right then that the message I left was going to have an affect on me today. I did not know when, but I knew it would play out. The day went on and I did not get much done of what I had set out to do.

I try everyday to make a difference somehow. I don't care if it is in someone's life or in life in general. I always try to do something though. It is usually something small that gets unnoticed, but that is how I like things. I was really failing today on making a difference. Right when you think you have things figured out, you find out that you really don't. Right when you think things will turn around they don't. I really am done with the crap that has been going around. I am ready for things to turn around and have things start looking up. I don't care if it is something small, just freaking turn around all ready.

People touch my life all the time. I am luckysomedays that I get to talk to a lot of people that really have made a difference in my life. Some good some bad. I hope that I can take what I have been taught and return that favor sometime to the many people that have done me a favor. That is what I wanted to happen today. I guess just because I wanted it, does not mean that I always get what I want. Well I thought I did, where did I miss that memo at.

So for the one person that really gave me the lump in my throat, I figured out who you were. It took until tonight to figure it out. You controlled my day, you controlled my night. I will not let you control my life. What is done is done. You have to move on. I never said it would be easy. I told you and so did others, what you were doing was going to be the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. What you are doing is something you can never ever go back and hit rewind. What you are doing will forever change your life. You were the only one that could make that change and move forward with pain. That pain will surround you, that pain will try to control you, but that pain can not over take you. Hold your head high and don't keep asking why. Make a difference today and tell them why.

Change

I don't know to many people that like Change. It can freak you right out, or it can make you so excited that you can not even see straight. One thing I know is, change can open the door for many new opportunities. Usually good things happen with change.

I am about to make a huge change. I really think this will be a good thing, but I have a little bit of nervousness deep down. I feel a huge relief when I think of the future. I know that many new things are about to become of this change and what more could a person ask for. So as myself and a few others make this change, I wish us the best and with a smile on our face we will hold our heads high and look to the sky, knowing that the doors are open and we are going to take off and fly.

So here is to us, Hold on for the new ride.

Not Sure

Do you ever have those days that you are not sure? Well today is one of those days. While I was getting ready for church, I could not pin point what was going on or what I was feeling. I had mixed emotions. I always blame those feelings on, oh, I should just stay home, that would solve everything and I would feel so much better. My stomach was doing a few flip flops, my head could not stop thinking, and I walked out and saw that my kids had decorated the house with all of their blankets and garbage. I was not a happy camper at all at this point. I decided to pull it together and get my crap together and get to church. I am not the most active person in the world in my church and my poor dad worries about me, but I do have a very strong testimony. I try to tell my dad not to worry about me, but I think as parents we will always worry about our kids. Today was a day that I am glad I made it to church. It was one of those days that I needed to hear what was said. I don't know if you are religious or not, but do you ever have those times when you swear they are talking to you? It is like they knew what you needed to hear. I had that today. I am glad I got my crap together and made it. I still am having a day that I am not to sure how I feel, but I can tell you this. I know what I felt today and that will get me thru it until I pin point the other.